radicallifechange: apple. (Default)
In the PN lesson I'm reading today, it's differentiating familiar difficulties with new challenges. Familiar difficulties might be: constantly running oneself into the ground working two jobs, etc., and though it's hard work and a lot of effort to maintain that, it's FAMILIAR effort.

And for someone like that, a new challenge might be cutting back on work, staying at home a whole day and enjoying some time with their family. Or going out and enjoying a relaxing activity just for themselves.

So I wanted to think about what kind of challenges I'm avoiding. Now, there is a definite familiarity to my plan for me. I like to plan; I like to set big goals; I like to try to find the "right" way to do things. I've never done anything so ambitious nor done it this way before, so there is a lot of newness here for me, and I'm learning a lot. I'm not going to make the mistake of making this all black/white -- I'm sure there are areas where I'm in familiar territory and areas where I'm not.

But what new challenges am I SPECIFICALLY avoiding?

Well, I can think of a few off the top of my head.
  • Becoming more comfortable with insecurity. I hate insecurity. I hate feeling insecure. I hate NOT KNOWING things. I hate not knowing basic things, like when I'm going to wake up or when I'm going to get to sleep, I hate not knowing more complex things, like how my boyfriend is feeling after a potentially tense interaction, I hate not knowing when/if I'm going to have the time to do the things I want to do.

    I hate the idea of trying to accomplish all my goals without setting up a structure and time structure that make it possible. I hate the idea of trying to wing it every day. I hate the idea of trying to fit things in when I can. I want to have ample time, I want to feel relaxed, I want to feel SECURE. I fucking hate the idea of day to day struggling to figure out things like, okay, I didn't have time to do a workout this morning because I woke up five minutes before I had to leave, but maybe I can do it tonight when I get home from work right before I go to bed...

    I hate that idea. I hate the idea of that insecurity, that constant feeling of being off-kilter, of struggling so much. I love the idea of getting up in the morning, taking care of what I want to take care of, and then being able to go to work, get that done, come home and sleep and be relaxed knowing I've done my stuff.


  • Taking on too much variety. Initially I was thinking that I'd be able to start varying my workouts more by February. Instead, I have cut back to basically one workout routine for February, because I'm still struggling so much with the sleep thing.

    There's something about a lot of variety that I find offputting and intimidating -- I don't think having to THINK so much all the time, I like the idea of becoming comfortable with one specific routine, improving at it and being able to note my improvement, rather than constantly feeling like I'm barely even able to get through routines. So I was going to wait until I have at least one workout down before moving on to adding others. I don't like to idea of learning multiple things at once, feeling like a beginner at multiple things at once. Maybe it's because I'm also learning a new job and learning new skills at my main job (branching out into a new area of the same work I do), but when it comes to my workout I want to be able to have a set of moves DOWN. I like that security that comes with having something down, with not having to refer to the paper every five seconds.

  • Eating slowly. This was something I thought about before signing up for Precision Nutrition, and I didn't decide to put it in my plan. But it turned out to be the second habit for PN! Hahaha. I was resistant to challenging myself with this because I felt at this point it was more important for me to at least be putting healthy foods in my body on a regular basis, because in the past I've had resistance to eating healthy even when the food is made for me. I really struggle with eating slowly. I've been struggling with the habit a lot. I have no problem CHEWING and eating slowly, actually. I have problems NOT DOING OTHER THINGS. I always want to somehow keep myself occupied while eating -- reading, browsing the internet, whatever.

    I actually find that when I sit there and just focus on eating, I tend to eat faster. If I do something else while I'm chewing, then I can chew more slowly. There's something about just sitting in front of a plate and staring at it that I find very unpleasant. I think boring is the word. Obviously this isn't such a big deal if there's someone I can talk to, but when it's just me, and I'm sitting there with a plate of food and feel like I'm just WAITING, I don't know. Bleh. I'm still working with this, ha! Even though we're on to our next habit this is still the one I'm putting more effort into.

  • Meditation. I thought about adding meditation into my plan and opted not to. I didn't quite feel like it was the time. I feel that that's something I want to tackle when I'm a bit more solid in my routine, etc. I'm not sure if that's because I want to put off something uncomfortable until I feel more "secure" and "together" or if it's an accurate intuition letting me know that it makes more sense to tackle one area at a time.

  • Relationship stuff. I work on relationship stuff to a certain degree, and have gone to couples therapy with my boyfriend, but I know that I'm capable of doing a lot more focused and directed work. I know that I'm really able to WORK this stuff if I want to, and there's a part of me that thinks "no, I want to do all this other stuff first, then I can work on the relationship stuff." And in this instance I do think it's part of me avoiding. Avoiding all this mucky stuff that relationships bring up.
radicallifechange: apple. (Default)
This took me quite awhile! I think part of the problem was that I wasn't even sure what kind of body I ultimately want. At first I was wondering why most of the pictures out there weren't speaking to me, and eventually I realized it's because so many fitness models, though muscular, still have that "curvy" look -- and I've always had curves, and always wanted to be LESS curvy. I've had a C cup for quite awhile now and really have always wanted to have a smaller chest, for instance.

This past summer when I lost some weight (not for healthy reasons, it was stress), I found that I dropped a cup size and I loved it! I had never imagined that that was possible. I love that lean, svelte look.

Awesome ladies )
radicallifechange: apple. (Default)
Dear me:

1. I know that I put everything I had into this year.

2. I can do things now and have done things that I didn't even dream were possible before with my body. I feel comfortable in my body, relaxed, and powerful. I no longer have to constantly adjust myself to find the least painful positions or ways to perform an activity. I move with confidence.

3. I am STRONG, and best of all, I FEEL that strength.

4. I have a structure in my life that supports me and helps me through the rough times and to excel in the good times.

5. I have a greater sense of security internally and externally, a greater a sense of wholeness spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

6. I am more myself than ever before, and I celebrate the emergent dream of who I am becoming.
radicallifechange: apple. (Default)
01. Feeling that I am doing well/that I am doing good things/that I am capable of good actions. I have struggled with a long time with simply feeling that I COULDN'T POSSIBLY do anything so amazing as get in shape, that as a person I didn't have enough self-discipline, drive, skill, etc. I didn't feel that I was CAPABLE of doing the good things I longed to do.

I want to measure and also encourage this by regularly checking in with all the progress I've made, celebrating that progress with others, and emphasizing the positive over the negative.

02. Feeling strong and free in my body. I will measure this in a few ways: tracking how much my joints crackle and pop in the morning, how often, where and how much tightness do I have in my muscles, how often do I get tension headaches, etc. Also by how I feel while exercising - some exercises I feel good while doing, and I want to get to that point with more and more physical activities. Ultimately, I want to be able to feel that a large percentage of the time I can really "kill it" in my workouts (in the good way!).

03. Feeling relaxed, feeling that I can trust myself, that I can trust life - that I can trust myself to KEEP doing well, that I can trust that my life will not fall to pieces at any given moment, that I can trust that whatever comes my way I can handle it. The universe and I have had a weird, complicated relationship for awhile now! I'm tentatively working on the idea that I live in benevolent universe rather than one that's out to get me and keep me down.

I will measure this by how I feel in the morning and at night - do I wake up dreading my day or looking forward to it? Do I fall asleep worrying about what's coming or feeling confident that I can handle it? Can I trust that even if I don't know how something that will resolve, that there IS a solution, that things will be okay?
radicallifechange: apple. (Default)

You wake up tomorrow morning with everything you've ever wanted. Every life change, every goal, everything you’ve ever striven for has been achieved.


What would my life look like?

I find this scary, but it so instantly springs out of me:

I speak four languages and I’m casually learning more. I speak Cantonese, Spanish, German and English. I’m casually learning Italian, Russian, Portuguese and Mandarin. I speak the first four fluently, with EASE and without worry and a feeling of inadequacy. The other four I can hold a fun conversation in.

I have traveled extensively, seen many different parts of the world, and lived in a different country for at least six months.

I feel healthy in my body. My skin is clear, glowing, and my nose has regular-sized pores for the first time I can remember in my life since I was a kid. My scalp is healthy and dandruff free. My nails are strong and healthy and no longer peel. They’re not bumpy any more. They grow long and break clean.

My teeth are healthy and strong.

My joints are healthy and strong – I move freely. I have muscular and skeletal strength. I can lift heavy things with ease, I can do impact training with ease.

In the morning, I wake up with the sunrise and have a zest for the day. I look forward to each day and contributing to the world. I start my day off with enjoyable, fun, and challenging exercise. I work up a sweat at least once a day, and love my endorphin high every day. I get in some great cardio and strength training.

I am fully proficient with the lo hon gong.

I take conflict in stride. When I feel stressed I have constructive and fruitful ways of dealing with it. If my life were a graph, the line of my stress is constantly going down while the lines for my enjoyment, pleasure, relaxation, confidence, strength and sheer happiness and joy are constantly going up.

I prepare my own food and eat healthfully. I eat wonderful, rich, whole foods that are in line with my values around the environment and being better stewards the earth.

I do meaningful work that contributes to the good of others. Work that helps others.

I have a peaceful, satisfying, mutually beneficial relationship. The relationship is a positive, beautiful growing force in my life. It deepens more and more with time and helps me see more parts of myself and the other person. I continually deepen into the practice of unconditionally loving myself and the other.

I have a beautiful place I live. I grow my own food. I preserve, ferment, and prepare my own foods. I harvest edibles from the land and grow native edibles. My home environment is colorful, organized and aesthetically gorgeous.

I am creative. I dance, sing, and artistically express myself on a regular basis. I share my creativity with others.

I have reliable, available people in my life. We are mutually responsible. We do not play games – we are honest, forthright, and put everything on the table. I know I can count on them to be there. I know I can count on them to see through what they commit to.

I feel secure.

When I lay down at night, I feel satisfied with my day, happy with myself.

I feel capable.

I feel that I am doing very well.

I feel relaxed.

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